Throw away the DVD set and hang up your Forest Whitaker pennant because Suspect Behavior is over - for good! For the season/series finale, Ronnie and Jazz (well, Ronnie) do the unthinkable: listen to the commentary track. What insights do the cast and crew have to offer? What insights do the hosts have? "Death by a Thousand Cuts" is about French Stewart forcing people to kill strangers or else he'll kill their loved ones. Yes, that French Stewart. Meanwhile, Janeane Garofalo gets a job offer in the most obvious foreshadowing ever and UFC's Chuck Liddell shows up long enough to get shot. It finally fucking ends.
While "The Girl in the Blue Mask" is more a riff on Eyes Without A Face, Ronnie and Jazz still spend most of the podcast's run time discussing taxidermy, what makes an acceptable 'subject' and how dermheads are persecuted by normals in our society. Suspect Behavior is almost over, folks, don't worry. This week also commits to some welcome development of Beau Garrett's character...welcome, that is, until we saw what that constituted. Never has a face off procedure involving episode been so tedious.
Still Suspect Behavin', still struggling. "Strays" places Richard Schiff's FBI director front and center when he uses the red cell to track down his goddaughter. This is a lot like Taken, only instead of Liam Neeson it's a half dozen morons and instead of a luxurious villain hangout the sex slavery auction takes place in an abandoned warehouse. Also: is Forest Whitaker Santa Claus?
Blame Jazz. He's the one who wanted the Suspect Behavior episodes off his hard drive, so for the next four weeks Deliver The Profile is putting the finishing touches on the beleaguered Forest Whitaker-centric spinoff. Things don't get off to a good start as "The Time Is Now", despite featuring A Talking Cat!?! star Eric Roberts and Giancarlo Esposito, is the worst episode of Criminal Minds the podcast have ever done. Worse than the autism one, worse than the sinkhole one, worse than any of the other Suspect Behaviors. If you've ever wanted to learn more about FBI Director Richard Schiff, this is the one to watch. But who the fuck cares about the FBI director? Who wants to know about Forest Whitaker's past off the grid? How about Janeane Garofalo's desk or lack thereof? "The Time Is Now" grasps at straws, managing to hold on to none of them. Three more episodes of this. Mercy.
There's a new Ninja Turtles cartoon in town and that means Ronnie and Jazz are going to complain about it! For this April Fool's holiday enjoy a podcast - recorded months ago and unearthed today - about Nickelodeon's latest shitty permutation of Eastman and Laird's cash cow. What differentiates this from the last one? Where's Shredder? Why the hell do the turtles have such strange designs? Can't anybody shut the fuck up for one second? Also: Jazz makes Ronnie jealous with some drawings he received.
You'd think an episode that ends in murder-suicide would be attention grabbing and entertaining. Well, you'd be wrong, as Ronnie and Jazz find out in their examination of Season 8's "Zugzwang". The culmination of the Reid's secret girlfriend subplot, "Zugzwang" manages to combine a mystery and petulance to create something starring the one Nickelodeon star who (probably) didn't get molested. Ronnie and Jazz also discuss Star Trek: The Next Generation and Jazz surprises Ronnie with something you'll have to listen to the entire podcast to find out about.
Oz was such a good show, guys. Criminal Minds isn't, but they try to attach themselves to the prestige of Oz by casting Lee Tergesen as the unsub in "Retaliation", Season 5's effort at changing things up a little. It doesn't work. What does work? Prentiss is in a car crash. Kids have to interact with junkie hobos. That's pretty much it. Never program Deliver The Profile based on "well, Ronnie barely remembers the episode, it must be good show material".
It's "The Fisher King Part 2" and questions are answered, like who is the Fisher King, does Elle survive getting shot, why the hell was the guy sending all that stuff to the team anyway and who does he have locked up in his dungeon basement. But that's not all. Ronnie watched the Season 14 finale and is full of invective towards it which Jazz hears. There's not much desire to actually talk about "The Fisher King Part 2" so a lot of tangents occur like pretty much always. It may not seem like a 'banger', but this is by Criminal Minds standards.
Yes, this episode is fashionably late. That's because Ronnie's laptop died, he got it back, and then it promptly died again after a few days. But don't let that get you down, because we've got a good one for you. It covers the Criminal Minds 1st season finale, "The Fisher King: Part 1"! Who is the Fisher King? What is his obsession with old timeyness? More importantly, what does Criminal Minds going on vacation look like? All these questions and more will probably be answered as Deliver The Profile makes good on its commitment to cover shows of consequence and not just random detritus from Season 12.
It's Jazz's birthday! Well, it was, when we were recording this. As such, the top of the episode contains a review of the hosts' field trip to see M. Night Shyamalan's Glass. It sucked and yet was infinitely better than the podcast's first foray into Season 12, a season so bad it made people miss Thomas Gibson. "Surface Tension" is about a burn victim who loves sinkholes as well as Reid's wacky attempts to live with his crazy mom (a slumming Jane Lynch). Ronnie and Jazz struggle through it, introduce a new profiler to the mix and even and propose a Criminal Minds spinoff: Young Reid.
We travel back to Season 1 of Criminal Minds with "Blood Hungry"! Just because Ronnie and Jazz are both fighting coughs doesn't mean they cannot talk to you about Doug Jones, Mandy Patinkin treating Garcia like shit, small towns and how to interrogate crazy people. Also, remember to call your kids, okay? It's important.
Criminal Minds is DEAD. D-E-A-D! After next season's shortened Season 15 it will be banished to the land of wind and ghosts. Fittingly, Ronnie and Jazz break from format of "talk about a specific episode" to cover everything related to this bombshell, such as what prompted the final renewal, what we can expect from the last 13 or so hours of Criminal Minds, and what the future of the podcast is. We won't dick you around: the podcast is going to be around for a long, long time.
2019 is off to a great start, by which we mean a start, with "House on Fire", an episode that at least changes up the pace some. Instead of killing by knife or gun or increasingly improbable specialized Rube Goldberg device, the unsub starts fires, seals exits and has people burn to death. This one has it all: The Blob (the Steve McQueen one), Michael Rooker, incest, Garcia learning an important lesson, the hosts discussing when would be an opportune time in the episode for half the cast to be killed off in the episode. Also, Ronnie had a LOT of fun editing out all of his coughing from the podcast. Here's hoping their 2019 predictions came true!
In what may be the dumbest episode of Criminal Minds we've yet covered, "A Thousand Words" is about a guy who calls in a suicide...his own! He turns out to be a serial killer with crappy full body tattoos that are key to solving the case. Dean Norris guest stars. The hosts feel the real doldrums of December podcasting, when video games, snow and movies about aquatic men beckon.
Back to basics as Deliver The Profile delves into "Magnificent Light", an episode about a self-help guy who probably causes more damage to the world than the serial killer who's obsessed with him. If that's not enough, the killer is one of those people who can naturally produce LSD, so he can see words! Witness the worst glowing word effects on television since Ghostwriter. Also witness the slow, plodding progress made in Season 8's interminable Replicator storyline. It allows the hosts to make fun of Mark Hamill's physical appearance so it's all good.
Happy Holidays (but NOT Merry Christmas) from everyone at Deliver The Profile!
That title means what you think it means: another Suspect Behavior episode. "Smother" has neither Smothers brother in it and instead has missing moms, inappropriate moms, breastbiting, video game playing, phone eavesdropping and vigils that shouldn't happen. The hosts are feeling good because it's the first time recording since SCOTT WALKER LOST RE-ELECTION. Celebrate good times, come on.
Wouldn't you rather be sleeping? That certainly is the case with "Awake", a Season 11 yawner about a man who's searching for his daughter and will prevent people who may know something from sleeping. This is thematically rich territory because J.J., fresh off maternity leave, is ALSO sleep-deprived. A J.J. episode. WONDERFUL. Be sure to listen all the way to the end, because this podcast has a special clip of Morgan and Rossi making fun of Reid that is well worth hearing.
Episode 106 represents a turning point for the podcast. The hosts' bemusement at the CBS procedural's continuance into its third presidential administration has turned to outright disdain following an explosive piece in Variety about the show's longtime director of photography being a known nutgrabber. (LISTENERS OF A SENSITIVE DISPOSITION: consider skipping the first 40 minutes of this podcast if you don't want to hear two straight white guys talk about sexual harassment at length.) After that it's a dive into an early episode of Criminal Minds, "LDSK". It shockingly managed to lift Ronnie and Jazz's spirits with its mockery of Reid, introduction of Paul Giamatti's brother and a cameo by Night Man himself.
This was recorded right before a Brewers playoff game, so if things seem rushed and haphazard then that is the culprit. This week Ronnie and Jazz anxiously eye the clock while discussing "Heathridge Manor", which for Deliver The Profile and Criminal Minds may as well be the Halloween show for the year, despite it being mid-November for the podcast and Criminal Minds originally airing it in April. This hour has it all - Robert Englund NOT playing a wise cracking murderer, Kyle Gallner DEFINITELY playing a deranged creep and the shittiest paintings you'll ever see a prop department put out. Uh, I guess the hosts talk about Venom shitting out of his mouth? It's difficult to remember. It was PLAYOFFS SEASON, give us a break.
Business as UNUSUAL at Deliver The Profile headquarters with this episode, since "Psychodrama" contains elements that are a relative rarity. It has the original cast (that means Jason Gideon and Elle What's Her Name) and the unsub commits robbery and sexual assault, two things that are not too often seen on Criminal Minds. The unsub robs banks and makes anyone there strip. It's a lot less sexy than it sounds, and it doesn't sound very sex to begin with. Also, Hotch is a bad father and...nothing he does in the episode really remedies that, though it does give him an excuse for some righteous anger. If you're listening to this the day it comes out, remember to VOTE IN THE BIGGEST ELECTION EVER! Unless you plan on voting for Republican candidates, in which case stay home. If Scott Walker fucking wins reelection this is going to very quickly become a bourbon review podcast and then an examination of bullet and skull crossovers throughout recent history. Honestly, though, if a Criminal Minds review podcast is what prompts you to participate in representative democracy you probably either shouldn't vote or have had those rights stripped from you by the state.
What was I saying? Oh yeah, go vote, because if a big city liberal hectoring you to do it won't compel you, nothing will.
It's a truth self-evident that ride sharing services such as Uber and Lyft exist only to rape and kill. (And that's just what they do to their employees/independent contractors/jail cover! Womp womp.) Criminal Minds puts that into practice with "Drive", a Season 11 yawner in which a driver is killing people. Or is he merely POSING as a driver? Who cares, really. The hosts sure don't, instead taking the opportunity to break out some truly horrific Boston accents for this Boston set show. Speaking of which, did you see that fuck Manny Machado fall down to end the World Series last night? It was fantastic! Don't expect any of that to be addressed on the podcast; this was recorded a while ago, and even then critiques of ride share were out of date.
The Brewers lost to the fucking Dodgers and life is meaningless. But you don't care about that, do you? You care about the new episode of DELIVER THE PROFILE! This time it's an entry into uncharted waters: Season 13! Who are all these new people? Why did Paget Brewster get replaced by a pod person? Is Joe Mantegna gradually becoming some sort of Tamarin? The reason for this episode is summed up in the episode title (of the podcast; the show's title is "Lucky Strikes"): Jamie Kennedy Returns. We did our take on the original appearance way back in a technical problem filled Episode 8, and it's been ten years of Criminal Minds since Kennedy's Leatherhead-esque cannibal made people eat BBQ made from missing women. What's he up to now? It's certainly something STUPID.
It's back to normal for Deliver The Profile, as Ronnie and Jazz discuss "Closing Time", a boring episode of vanilla CM that doesn't even have the courtesy to use either the Semisonic song or even the instrumental off Tom Waits' album of same name. Boring normalcy is the point, though, as "Closing Time" is a Criminal Minds classic straight from the seventh season, about a guy cutting dicks off, wrapping corpses in plastic and shoving them in a lifeguard tower. Who can't relate to that scenario? Meanwhile, Hotch wants to get laid after years of nothing thanks to a cold fish wife, a divorce and then that ex-wife getting gutted by a serial killer.
More importantly, Ronnie bought the Home Improvement Complete Series boxset. 2 episodes of HI down, 202 to go!
Here it is! After nearly three years, Deliver The Profile (your ONLY Criminal Minds podcast) hits 100 episodes! Except we also did episodes that didn't count in the official numbering. Forget those! It's NUMBER ONE HUNDRED, BABY! We're hoping the milestone distracts from the fact that it's an episode of the Jack Garrett Imperialism Power Hour, aka Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders. "Type A" features a phoned in cameo by Paget Brewster and takes the IRT to Thailand, getting justice for a friend of Prentiss' and Seager's that has never been mentioned before and will never be mentioned again. This one's for you, [looks down at notes] Lisa!
Thanks to everyone who listens to the podcast: you help make this possible. Tell your friends! Tell your enemies too, it doesn't matter!
It's a sign that this episode of Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior isn't very interesting (besides it BEING an episode of Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior) when Ronnie spends a good portion of the 80 minutes just recapping movies he's seen recently, such as Bringing Down the House and Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom. "Nighthawk" is about a man who beats ugly guys with glasses to death with a baseball bat, but instead of this being hailed as public service everyone's least remembered team of profilers try to track him down. It's downright impossible to muster any kind of enthusiasm for this as Deliver The Profile marks time until its 100th episode.
Oh, and there's also a dog at the recording, in case you couldn't tell.