AKA The Christmas Eve Miracle.
Because of a promise made in haste a year ago that somehow came to anything, for the next three episodes Ronnie and Jazz will be reviewing the saddest of all trilogies, the Angels in the Outfield series. This first one has FOUR Oscar winners, not that you could tell by their performances. Listen to the boys rag on child actors, muse over "Ranch Wilder" as a name and as a concept, and Ronnie in particular gets hot under the collar for how dirty the film does baseball. Heavenly beings intervening is among the less preposterous elements of this debacle.
Dr. Daniel Daughhetee joins the Five Timers Club as he and Ronnie dissect "Hamelin", a Season 14 episode of Criminal Minds that reimagines the Pied Piper into something even dumber. JJ reconnects with her mom, the BAU is basically useless and the episode makes the case that the worst thing that can happen to a kid is to be wrongly teased that his dad is a pedophile. Check out Thrawnderdome for more Ronnie and Daniel fun, only that's about a little hard sci-fi series called Star Wars.
Where is Wallace indeed. He's in "The Inspired", the not very inspired second part of the Season 9 premiere.
Part one of a really, really dumb two parter.
Two-Parter Madness continues (yes it's another theme) with our take on "Memoriam". Is Reid's dad as fascinating as you'd think? No, of course not. Is he a child molester? Find out by listening to Deliver The Profile.
In what may be the podcast's shortest episode yet outside of those weird early installments, this one takes on "The Instincts", part one of a boring two parter that's mainly about Reid's dreams. Child abduction too but mostly Reid's dreams. Speaking of, REED Diamond is in "The Instincts" playing a concerned father. Remember The Shield? Hell, remember Homicide? There really is not a lot to talk about with this episode.
To celebrate Ronnie staying sober for seven years, the boys 'treat' themselves to a Season 1 episode, "Machismo".
"Seek and Destroy" is boring as shit, but at least it marks the end of our coverage of Season 12. It's a home invasion one, everybody knows home invasion ones suck.
Mr. Scratch brainwashes a guy to think he's Aisha Tyler's brother. Your guess is as good as ours.
It's here! The podcast of the summer is here...in late August. The boys convene to discuss Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem, the film that dares to use the same word twice in its title. How disgusting is it? Why does Donatello sound like he's 5? How does Seth Rogen get away with whitewashing Bebop? Mutant Mayhem raises a lot of questions that Ronnie and Jazz try to answer. This makes Rise of the TMNT look like "Return to New York".
To discuss America's love affair with drone warfare as depicted in the Criminal Minds episode "Killer App", we once again turn to Thrawnderdome's Daniel Daughhetee.
It's another Deliver The Profile. This time somebody's hot for teacher in "I Love You, Tommy Brown" as Teri Polo seeks to reunite her felony-riddled family. It's more Season 7 garbage.
Another episode of Deliver The Profile. This is the skeeziest episode yet if you can make such a claim.
Rossi grapples with his ex-wife's mortality as the team grapples with a guy drowning and resuscitating his victims in "Epilogue". Also during the show, Ronnie and Jazz briefly review Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and talk about how night fishing is grade A loser behavior.
Ronnie and Jazz confronts bad mothers on "From Childhood's Hour", another Season 7 episode of Criminal Minds. There's really not a lot to this one besides Rossi reconnecting with his first ex-wife. Do we get to see some old people sex? Listen to the episode to find out.
It's the school shooting episode of the show. "Painless" also involves an unsub who feels no pain. Why these two plotlines were conjoined is beyond the hosts. "Season 7, eh, whatever" summer continues apace.
The boys discuss the furrytastic new Transformers, Rise of the Beasts. Do the beasts rise or do they not? Does this belong in the canon of classic Brooklyn films? Is this superior to the Michael Bay movies or not? All these questions and more will be answered in the two plus hours Ronnie and Jazz expend on this thing.
Take out your gloves and start pounding a slab of meat because it's a boxing episode! In "The Bittersweet Science" some guy is going around beating people to death because he could've been a contender, or his son is dying, or something. Charles S. Dutton guest stars in the episode. It's Season 7. It's terrible. You know the drill by now.
Race war! It's race war time as the BAU goes to San Bernardino to investigate a series of home invasions that seem to be racially-motivated. What does the dipstick who directed Atlas Shrugged Part 1 have to do with this? It's exploitative, racially dicey--it's Criminal Minds all right. It is disquieting how this episode echoes the racial grievance campaign that sent Trump to the White House. Can Criminal Minds be prescient of anything? Is there something going on there? Listen to find out.
Ronnie is actually enthusiastic for once. He's on drugs in case you wanted an explanation. It sure has nothing to do with "Middle Man" itself, a miserable torture porn excursion smack dab in the middle of Season 6 that pits a lone exotic dancer against a coterie of rapist dipshits, one of whom was a Seann William Scott relative in an American Pie direct to video sequel. (Being a serial killer is probably less shameful.) Ronnie and Jazz also put forth their controversial opinions of sex work.
Back to early days with Season 3's "Scared to Death", Ronnie and Jazz chat about a Scarecrow unsub who precedes the literal Scarecrow unsub on the show. As the podcast title indicates, Mandy Patinkin's Gideon has just departed the show and a decent part of this hour is the show dealing with his absence. Ultimately, though, no actor is bigger than the machinery of exposition and dead idiots and other stupid shit.
Back to business as usual as Ronnie and Jazz delve into "A Shade of Gray", one of the rare killer kid episodes. Witness Fake Kyle Chandler's bullshit plan! Listen to the boys do offensive Irish accents for most of the podcast. Hear them posit an altogether better slasher franchise than Halloween. Most of all, be happy everyone's back on their Criminal Minds bullshit after detours into cinema and other television shows.
Not a Criminal Minds episode, but Gotham Knights fits comfortably in the Deliver The Profile remit by being poor television badly told. Why do they keep making Batman shows without Batman? Who the fuck is Turner Hayes? Where's the Robins anybody cares about? The CW's latest and least greatest foray into cheap superheroics plumbs new depths of awfulness. Listen as Ronnie and Jazz dissect the last stand Warner Bros is mounting before the CW is consumed by airing of the LIV tour. Remember that, the Saudi Arabian golf tourney? It's about the only thing more reprehensible than how this show dispatches Batman.
When is a movie barely a movie? When it's The Super Mario Bros. Movie, apparently. Although Ronnie and Jazz did not find it unsettling on par with the Sonic movies, they sure didn't like it either. From needle drops to uninspired voice acting, this film has all the markings of an Illumination picture. The best thing you can say about it is it's so short you might as well keep your coat on. Ronnie and Jazz spend the podcast positing better versions of the movie and positing what went wrong.