It's here! It's finally here! We're of course referring to the second episode of Menom on Venom, the occasional Deliver The Profile spinoff that deals with all things goopy and first personal plural usage. Since Venom DOES appear in the 138th MCU film, SPIDER-MAN: NO WAY HOME, it is our sworn duty to give it a critical bashing. And this 150 minute nostalgia fisting deserves a bashing.
How shortchanged was Rhys Ifans? Why stop with a Sinister Five? Can the jokes cease for one fucking moment for some earnestness? Is the Thomas Haden Churchissance upon us? When did Happy Hogan become a pivotal member of the Spider-Man supporting cast? IS THE ENTIRE MOVIE A GREENSCREEN?
Find out the answers to these questions, as well as the return of Jazz's Food and Drink Corner, in a podcast almost as long as the movie itself!
Ronnie and Jazz must contend with the Slender Man before there was a Slender Man, also known as "The Tall Man". What does it have to do with JJ's long dead sister? Why should we care? Has this show's effects budget been slashed to garbage or what? Finally: how offensive is this episode to what happened with Slender Man in Wisconsin? The hosts will try to answer all these questions and more on an ALL NEW Deliver the Profile. Well, mostly new. The opening and closing themes are the same.
Monster Month(s) marches on when "Bad Moon on the Rise" hits Ronnie and Jazz like a hooked fish. But yes, this one is about a werewolf, and yes, this includes scenes in which the cast discuss werewolves. It may sound fun and whimsical, but it's not. It's stupid. It's stupid like the rest of the series is stupid. And what's with the unsub's Punisher origin story? Last we checked, Frank Castle's reaction wasn't to do molly and create werewolf dentures.
You think they asked Creedence if they could get the rights to that? Nah. They didn't even try picking up the phone. They knew. They KNEW the answer.
With "Submerged", Ronnie and Jazz deal with the most horrible scourge of all: pirates.
Instead of doing a Criminal Minds this week, Ronnie and Jazz delve into the world of film with the worst of the year (so far), Ghostbusters: Afterlife! Why bring in Paul Rudd and make him a supporting character? Who wanted Ghostbusters gene slammed with The Goonies? Oh, you better believe it's disrespectful to Howard "Bedazzled" Ramis. Oh, by the way, lest you yell at the boys, Olivia Wilde DOES apparently play Gozer. Sure! Whatever!
Also: Ronnie makes Jazz drink what is only known as "The Slimer".
Let's start with the important stuff: Nicholas Brendon's dick. Does it work or is it still under construction? Listen to find out. Then stick around for the part of the show that fulfills the podcast's purpose, as the boys discuss "Neon Terror". A media-obsessed unsub is killing people and taping them. Is it a not particularly smart condemnation of the media? You bet!
Back to Beyond Borders as Ronnie and Jazz continue their month(s) of Boogeymen and Monsters. "Abominable" is about the team heading to Nepal to deal with a yeti attack. Or is it something more mundane? The answer will simultaneously amuse and enrage you.
Things start out pretty boring in Greece in "Pankration" until Ronnie and Jazz realize something: the unsub is using a human dog with which to fight foreigners to the death. How easy is it to train one of those human dog? Just watch Unleashed or Danny the Dog, folks, for more information.
Two hundred episodes. Puppets. Need I say more?
The Beyond Borders team goes to Cuba in "The Ballad of Nick and Nat". Cuba is portrayed about you'd expect it to be portrayed as given this is a CBS show produced by Gary Sinise. As such, it's one of the shorter episodes of the podcast because Ronnie and Jazz can't make abject propaganda funny. But hey, Beyond Borders really socks it to those kids who misinterpret the words and deeds of Che, huh! They really needed a shellacking.
Welcome to MENOM ON VENOM, an occasional spinoff to DELIVER THE PROFILE! Hosts Ronnie and Jazz take apart the highly anticipated 2020 film Venom: Let There Be Carnage, the best 77 minutes you'll spend in the movie theatres all year! Ronnie is a Venom expert, much to his dismay, and Jazz has seen the animated series, the ne plus ultra of Venom storytelling. This makes them the perfect Menom on Venom.
The Beyond Borders team goes to Italy to capture a REAL LIFE SERIAL KILLER WHO KILLED REAL PEOPLE and it's fucking gross, even by this show's standards. Thankfully, Italy gives Ronnie and Jazz plenty of material to work with, as "Il Mostro" features not only cast members from The Sopranos but actors doing terrible Italian accents. The hosts do some terrible Italian accents of their own during a story about a long dormant serial killer who resembles the Zodiac comes back for more. The meatiest part of this episode? A guest appearance by Criminal Minds' own DAVID ROSSI. Can Joe Mantegna be more checked out? Listen and find out!
With the end of "Reid In Prison" comes a respite for the boys. Well, they still have to do Criminal Minds, but this time it's the spinoff, Beyond Borders! The episode for this week takes them to Spain, and in "El Toro Bravo" Ronnie and Jazz as well as the IRT are dealing with a sort of bull supremacist lashing out at crimes committed against bullmanity. It includes feeding humans to bulls and it's as dumb as it sounds.
We at Deliver The Profile reach the end...of the Reid in prison arc. This premiere raises more questions than it does answers. Such as: what does Mr. Scratch want? Which character dies, and does it happen to be the one whose actor is no longer in the main credits? Does Hotch come back? Can Paget Brewster be any more checked out? The boys try to answer all these questions and more in a nearly 2 hour episode of Deliver The Profile.
Here it is. The Season 12 finale. The penultimate installment of "Reid in Jail". The second to last time you'll hear the kickass Oz version of the theme. "Red Light" wraps up the Aubrey Plaza portion of the storyline and it involves impregnation, secret lesbianism and hallucinations to make a dramatic point aplenty. Aubrey Plaza deserves better. On the other hand, she did star in Mike & Dave Need Wedding Dates.
We hit part 1 of the 2 part season finale of Season 12, "Green Light"! You know what that means: Reid in prison's end is in sight. Beyond that, the show wraps up the Calvin Shaw "storyline", Reid's mom is missing and the true mastermind behind all this stands revealed. But Ronnie and Jazz are much more interested in their guest this week, none other than Penis Alien Monster Figrin D'an of the Modal Nodes.
It's what you've been waiting for: the Walker focus episode! His friend, Hart Boechner, is in the hospital and it's up to our newest addition to the BAU to figure out what ails his buddy. What does it have to do with Walker's undercover work in Russia? Nothing, actually, but that won't prevent Criminal Minds from dousing you in unnecessary flashbacks in a bid to get some of that Americans heat. Meanwhile, as far as Reid in prison is concerned, he not only learns a woman framed him he learns WHICH woman framed him. It's a familiar face even. (Reminder to listen to the 3rd Life episode if you haven't already...)
Shit rolls on in "True North", as there's...no fallout from what Reid did last episode and in place of repercussions are a jaunt down to Arizona where people have been tied to stakes, adorned with shock collars and...look, it's all very elaborate and stupid. We'll get to it. This episode introduces The Aggrieved Science Fair Loser: imagine Dr. Doom if he were more petty. Okay, now imagine the 2005 Dr. Doom if he were more petty. That should give you an idea.
The title says it all: "Hell's Kitchen" is about a tollbooth vampire who runs a tollbooth when he's not out vampiring. We've done a lot of dumb Criminal Minds episodes, but this is definitely top 3, alongside the autistic kid one and the sinkhole one. Ratboy from Sons of Anarchy transforms into BATBOY. Ronnie and Jazz nearly lose their minds with this one. It's a good podcast, that much can be assured. Almost makes you forget that Reid is still in prison, still battling the forces of Niles, Frasier, Calvin Shaw and the slowness of the criminal justice system.
No more Oz opening...for now! Yes, Deliver The Profile goes back to the before times when Reid was not in jail, just an ordinary FBI wunderkind. This time the case takes them to sunny who gives a shit, where two girls have been kidnapped. One of the fathers is more than he seems, and his daughter is played by Joe Mantegna's daughter. Why we decided to do this episode will make sense eventually. Apologies for the sound quality; I don't know what happened. Literally I'm not competent enough to know why there is an issue.
In this shitpile we call an episode of Criminal Minds, somebody's killing poachers by day and breaking into homes and killing people by night. Could they be connected? Probably. In other news, Reid is still in prison. Niles and Frasier are hassling him, and it looks as though Reid's buddy Luis is not long for this world. Thank god there are only--SIX more parts? Jesus H. Crow.
Tatum O'Neal guest stars on this very special episode of Criminal Minds on this very routine episode of Deliver The Profile. "Assistance is Futile" takes the subversive tack of having a suspect's mother come in out of the blue to tell the team her son's the Bonecrusher they're looking for. Reid is still in prison, being bullied by Frasier and Niles while trying to keep his friend Luis from being murdered. The lesson of this episode is assistance is indeed futile, since the most likely outcomes for serial killers is being shot or committing suicide. Listen to the episode to find out which one Bonecrusher succumbs to!
Ronnie and Jazz take a break from Reid in Prison to do a random Season 8 episode that isn't very good. Someone is abducting nannies, raping and burning them with cigarettes. There's a survivor but she won't help the BAU, so it's up to them to badger her into cooperating. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen. "Nanny Dearest" may not be great, but at least it doesn't have Reid getting pounded in the ass or whatever he'd be doing in prison this week.
Criminal Minds takes on the incel epidemic with "Alpha Male". Someone is tossing acid in the faces of pretty people and it's up to CBS' pretty people to stop it. Meanwhile, Reid is still in jail and finds a new friend in Oz's Augustus Hill, because Reid is the most credulous motherfucker on the planet. Yep, it's garbage all the way down. At least Reid only has...seven more episodes?! Jesus.