It's a great sign for Criminal Minds: Evolution that the fourth episode of ten is inconsequential garbage, as opposed to consequential garbage. Home invasions, dark passengers played by guys from Prison Break, dead security guards, cancer scares, it's all a smorgasbord of shit. How do Ronnie and Jazz keep themselves entertained? That's for you to find out in this new episode of Deliver The Profile. They discuss Rossi devolving into Steven Seagal, the legacy of Richard Schiff: FBI Director, and whether or not the future will remember the podcast.
In this episode, the unsub of the season gets a canine companion, loses his job, is called a beta cuck and is forced to subscribe to some magazines. Everything's very busy for Sicarius, so much so that the BAU contending with a bomber never really resonates. "Moose" is more about the antagonist, the boring, cliched and shitty antagonist. At least this time out Ronnie and Jazz didn't have to record for 4 hours.
Here it is, what you've all been waiting: (nearly) 4 hours of Deliver The Profile devoted to the new season of Criminal Minds, Season 16/Evolution. Who's back? Who isn't? Who looks like shit? Who doesn't have to wear a wig anymore? The BAU is in disarray with the characters scattered to the winds, just as a new unsub with a shipping container is making waves. In episode 2, someone is severing spinal cords. Ronnie and Jazz discuss A LOT, from Joe Mantegna's poor appearance to what's wrong with JJ's husband to why the new deputy director of the FBI is a literal baby. Please listen, it almost killed us to record this length of radio.
Daniel Daughhetee (Albama Public Libary) comes back to the show to discuss his most favorite of things: boring history shit only nerds would like. That's in full effect with Season 9's "Fatal", about an unsub poisoning people. The twist is he's giving them a warning a day. "About Face" did that too, but they mention it in dialogue it's okay. The unsub is Kevin from the inferior American Office, and that teaches you about the vale of stunt casting in the series. It used to be Tim Curry and now we're doing Office guy and Sherminator. ALSO: Ronnie and Daniel tease a new podcast you'll definitely get sick of hearing about!
Deliver The Profile goes gay with "A Good Husband", an episode about a man who leaves torsos in the local gay community in order to...something. Look, it's a really bad episode, with some of the worst acting this side of a David DeCoteau joint, so just listen to the show and find out for yourself.
Marking time until Criminal Minds: Evolution begins, Ronnie and Jazz discuss "Scarecrow" from Season 12. It's not an all-timer, but it has one of the funniest deaths in Criminal Minds history, so there's that.
In yet another episode of a Criminal Minds podcast with a tenuous connection to Criminal Minds, the boys discuss a Season 2 episode of Shemar Moore's S.W.A.T. entitled "Inheritance". Somebody is impersonating the Symbionese Liberation Army and carrying out what one character deems "Patty Hearst 2.0". Is it as dumb as it sounds? Absolutely. Is it marginally more entertaining than an episode of Criminal Minds? You'll see.
It's finally over: Urban Legends month-ish is done. Bloody Mary is the least of the franchise. It stars Kate Mara and is basically Prom Night II if it were worse. A guy gets his penis exploded. It's NOT a good time.
This week Deliver The Profile discusses Urban Legends: Final Cut, the origin of Fence-Man, the character find of 2000. Is the Hitchcock Award the worst fictional award ever? Of course it is.
As promised, for October Deliver The Profile is shedding its Criminal Minds coverage in favor of the Urban Legend film series. Someone's killing people based on urban legends, and it could be anyone, from Robert Englund to Brad Dourif to, uh, Michael Rosenbaum. Of all the Scream ripoffs, this is definitely one of them.
Morgan finally departs but not before facing off with a dimly lit Lance Henriksen. "A Beautiful Disaster" is, well, just that, minus the beautiful part.
Morgan's exit trudges on with "The Sandman", an episode that gives filler a bad name. Somebody is murdering parents and kidnapping children, and sand and hourglasses are involved. Is it dumb? Most definitely. Morgan feels attacked by this unsub because he is soon to be a father; prior to this he never gave a fuck when kids were kidnapped or diddled or killed.
In "Derek", Shemar Moore hallucinates an aged up version of his father played by Danny Glover. No, really. It's absurd and one of the worst episodes of Criminal Minds, which makes it good fodder for Deliver The Profile. The boys also discuss the dreaded news of Criminal Minds: Evolution's premiere date.
In "A Badge and a Gun", some dude with a spider web tattoo steals law enforcement credentials and uses them to get into women's houses and kills them. Meanwhile, Morgan receives a troubling text from his girlfriend. Scintillating, isn't it? Yeah, well that's what we have to work with this week so bear with us.
Off Format time as the boys, as promised, cover an episode of CSI: NY! "The Daze of Wine and Roaches" is proof positive they made the right choice in not doing an episode about CSI or any of its spinoffs, because shit is obnoxious and dumb. More so than Criminal Minds even. There's counterfeit wine, jewel encrusted roaches, the French trying to help out Haitian children, baby Shailene Woodley, and much much more. Also: new Criminal Minds news to share, including the new title, the casting of the main unsub, and pictures depicting Joe Mantegna as an incredibly elderly man.
It may have taken the boys over 200 episodes, but they have finally completed the first season of Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders. It is a doozy. "Iqiniso" is set in South Africa and involves a man wearing an animal skull killing people and making it look like he's trying to resurrect them as zombies. Key words "making it look like", because there's some Scooby-Doo bullshit going on here. Guest starring Arnold Voosloo of Darkman 2 fame. It's about to get racially problematic up in here!
Not much in the way of a description because Ronnie got his ass kicked by a Rammstein concert last night, but here's what you need to know: it's more Beyond Borders, it takes place in Turkey, and it might be the dumbest the show has ever gotten. Enjoy!
You probably can't tell, but this show was recorded in the immediate wake of Roe v. Wade being overturned, so Ronnie and Jazz are understandably miffed. So miffed, in fact, that they took a vacation from America by way of an episode of Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders. "De Los Inocentes" is a yarn set in Mexico about a wife brutally slaughtered and a husband looking suspect. But remember, in Beyond Borders, the white person is never the culprit. So who is? Oh, some fucking foreigner with a really, really stupid motive. We're talking sinkhole episode stupid. Get off that student loan cancellation high and remember your hate with the new Deliver The Profile!
Also: new Beyond Borders-specific music!
Puke! That's a funny word, right? Well, it accurately describes the Adam Rodriguez spotlight episode "Luke", in which a blast from Alvez's past puts his cushy life at risk. Who's going to die? His girlfriend? The dog? The black best friend who's only been in one other episode? You know enough to about television to know which it'll be.
Talkin' 'Bout Turtles is back to discuss Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Movie, a straight to Netflix "movie" that is basically Brian Yuzna's Society meets Terminator but with none of the fun or interesting or awesome bits. Will Leonardo finally become the leader? Why is Haley Joel Osment voicing a Kyle Reese version of Casey Jones? Did the Krang have to be the stuff of nightmares? This is not for children. It's not even really for adults. It's for no one. It's nothing. Blessedly, the "movie" marks the end of this wretched installment of the franchise. Also: Rotten Tomatoes: threat or menace?
Jazz is back! Everyone's second favorite host returns to a doozy of a nothing of an episode, "Night Lights", also known as the Moleman episode. Are moles people? Should they be people? It's a later season episode so expect it to be stupid, half-formed and ultimately not a lot to talk about. Luckily, the boys have BIG CRIMINAL MINDS REVIVAL news to share with you, the listener. Yes, it's that time again.
Jazz is still in the nether-zone, so that means Ronnie must partake in another Marvel Team-Up! This time out it's Chris Ludovici, his partner in crime in many a writing project (Lois & Clark & Chris & Ronnie included). They try to talk about anything besides Criminal Minds, but invariably the topic drifts back to "Masterpiece", AKA the one where George Costanza dresses up like a fried chicken mascot and taunts the FBI. This is Chris' first episode of the show so he has a lot of questions. Other topics broached include what comic book roles Jason Alexander could play, the physics of Grifter's mask, what a real Joss Whedon Justice League would look like, and many more. This is a long one, folks, but how could you cut any of the gold out?
Jazz is on vacation, but have no fear, Ronnie has teamed with Daniel Daughhetee (The Canon Ball) to bring you a brand spanking new episode of Deliver The Profile! Witness as Ronnie puts Daniel through the paces with "False Flag", a later season show about conspiracy theorists. They're being murdered! Is it a conspiracy or is it just a series of stupid random events? Well, it's stupid all right. Zelda Williams guest stars as a podcaster who believes Sandy Hook never happened. Wouldn't it be funny if her conspiracy belief was that Robin Williams was murdered.
Check out Daniel's podcast, The Canon Ball, and listen through this whole episode to hear a tease for something long in the making from Ronnie and Daniel...
"Dust and Bones" is a Season 13 episode about snake people. Well, snake person. She's on a rampage and it's up to the BAU to stop her. Meanwhile, Luke Alvez reconnects with his estranged-ish crippled friend Phil "The Brick" Brooks. You'll be surprised how Alvez bridges their gap. Besides that, it's business as usual at the Deliver the Profile offices. Some riffs, some laughs, a lot of expletives. Enjoy it.
Out of Chicago, the Deliver The Profile boys hit up Long Island as a blast from David Rossi's past threatens to, well, not do much of anything. It's really a metaphor about not letting yourself let hot pieces get away. It's actually one of the better Criminal Minds we've ever covered, because the BAU fails miserably at its remit and Reid isn't allowed to join the team in the field. It's astounding how far our standards have fallen.