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Deliver The Profile

The Only Criminal Minds Podcast, hosted by Ronnie and Jazz
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Deliver The Profile
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Now displaying: Page 6
Mar 15, 2021

"Route 66"! This week's Criminal Minds is a bifurcated affair, with the team taking on a spree killer who's kidnapped his daughter (or has he?) while Aaron Hotchner fights for his life in a fantasy movie theatre populated by his dead wife and his greatest enemy. Get out your goldenrod pages, it's coma fantasy time!

Mar 8, 2021

"Pariahville" is about a murder in a community of people on the sex offender registry. Did one of the pervs do it or was it somebody else? Meanwhile, Lewis, that's Aisha Tyler's character, is made an offer she can or cannot refuse. It's a pretty stupid episode, but aren't they all? Ronnie and Jazz argue over what a "dude ranch" is in your week's Deliver The Profile.

Mar 2, 2021

Finally DTP returns to regular programming with a regular episode of Criminal Minds "starring" the antagonist from Shadow Wolves as the unsub. In "Blue Angel", someone is taking men and castrating them. What does this have to do with Simmons' attempts to get laid? Not much.

Feb 21, 2021

Ronnie and Jazz face the horrifying, inevitable reality that is the possible Criminal Minds reboot. This news ruined a cheeseburger, people.

Feb 17, 2021

Ronnie and Jazz convene an emergency session of the podcast to discuss the important Nicholas Brendon news.

Feb 10, 2021

Here it is. The Christmas show...in February. Don't worry, though, it is worth the wait. Shadow Wolves is the brainchild of an Islamophobic loser and the greatest film Steven Seagal never starred in. The Shadow Wolves consist of Native American trackers who seek to stop an Iranian from crossing the Mexican bomber to blow up a casino. Thomas Gibson plays the surly mustachioed chief. It's fucking incredible, honestly.

Also, Ronnie decides his name is "Mr. Sunshine" and creates the followup to QAnon, "R". Find the hottest conspiracy of 2021 here and only here on Deliver The Profile!

Jan 25, 2021

The boys are back to discuss Korean Criminal Minds episode 4, a pivotal part of the Northwestern serial murder case saga.

Jan 18, 2021

Ronnie and Jazz discuss "The Slave of Duty", aka the funeral episode of Criminal Minds. The cast says goodbye to Haley and pretends there's a chance Hotch will quit the team. It takes a good kicking for that to happen as history has proven. The boys discuss Ronnie's Hung Season 1 blu-ray and also devise alternate ways for Haley to be off the show without killing her.

Jan 10, 2021

Here we are, folks: the 100th episode. No, not of the podcast, silly. Don't you know how to read the ID3 tags? This week we're doing the 100th Criminal Minds, a landmark episode that asks the question: how much is a wife worth anyway? Not a whole lot more than some man pain and a beaten to death corpse, apparently. The Crim producers rolled out the red carpet as all your favorites are back: Tiny Detective. Nicholas Brendon. C. Thomas Howell (not in blackface, thank god). Even Anderson and Gina make appearances. Don't worry if you don't remember who those people are; they don't matter. What matters is this is the final confrontation between the team and the Boston Reaper.

Dec 20, 2020

The Reaper Saga is at its halfway point as we greet the return of The Fox, last seen in Season 1's "The Fox". "Outfoxed" is about our foxxy foe having an admirer whom the BAU must apprehend. Of course the podcast is barely about that, and is mainly about wrestling and Goofy's child rearing skills (or lack thereof). Be lucky you can listen to this episode, true believers: this one was almost lost to a catastrophic hardware failure! It's a miracle episode.

Dec 15, 2020

It's all about Boston in the Deliver The Profile covering "Omnivore", possibly the best episode of Criminal Minds. Wahlberg jokes, jokes about Boston's love of bigotry and Jameson abound.

Dec 7, 2020

Well, it finally happened: another show on the Korean version of Criminal Minds. Ronnie and Jazz poorly pronounce all sorts of names in Episode 3 of the 20 episode season, the Korean take on the Reaper saga. You'll notice the hosts have yet to cover the AMERICAN Reaper saga. Oops.

Dec 1, 2020

In "The Itch", a crazy guy thinks bugs are crawling under his skin. Cool, he's done drugs. This is the basis of an ENTIRE EPISODE of Criminal Minds, a Season 10 misfire that punches down on the fake disease afflicted. Ronnie explains members of the New Warriors to Jazz, they debate the existence of "silver foxes" and more fun stuff. Hey, it's the 175th episode of the podcast! What an accomplishment.

Nov 23, 2020

Because Ronnie is lazy, it's another Season 10 episode! This one, "X", is the premiere, and so we are introduced to Jennifer Love Hewitt of Ghost Whisperer fame. Will she distinguish herself from her colleagues or just be absorbed into the blob of bad dialogue and stiff characterization? I think you know the answer already.

Nov 16, 2020

"Scream"! Everybody "Scream"! That's the episode the podcast is covering today, and it's...[sigh]... about a guy who is trying to record the perfect scream. That's not all: Jennifer Love Hewitt's daughter/niece is meeting boys online, but more importantly JLH's husband is played by GREG GRUNBERG. Greg Grunberg? Greg Grunberg. Okay, sure, whatever.

Nov 9, 2020

The election may be over (or is it?), but Deliver The Profile's work has just begun. (In fact, there's probably enough CM episodes left over for four more years of podcasting.) This week's episode takes on "Rock Creek Park", a political-ish episode about a congressman's wife's kidnapping. Throughout the endeavor we learn more of Reid's skills, see him maybe sex a woman (well, he doesn't, but what if he did?), and watch Criminal Minds try to ape The Manchurian Candidate poorly. It's hunks, disfigured brothers and crazy interns all the way down. 

Nov 2, 2020

In this episode, Ronnie and Jazz discuss Season 5's "The Uncanny Valley", one about a woman turning women into living dolls. But mainly it's an excuse to talk about Star Wars' own Jonathan Frakes, who makes an appearance in the show. And what an appearance it is! Beam me up, Scotty, am I right? The hosts try to answer the question you're all wondering: is "The Uncanny Valley" a good hour of television or is that just something our writers made up? The answer is...beyond belief.

Oct 26, 2020

Wedding season comes to Criminal Minds and the participants are who you least expect! Actually, that's a lie. But there's a lot of other things happening in this episode, "Run", such as Prentiss' departure, J.J. being a viking ninja cowboy over the fate of her son, a secret unsub, and more wealth porn courtesy of David Rossi. This ends Season 7--hope you survived the experience!

Oct 19, 2020

It's time to see Prentiss depart for the second time as Deliver The Profile covers the first part of the Season 7 finale, "Hit". Why pattern the robbers after the fucking Royal Flush Gang? Are we supposed to care about the fate of J.J.'s boyfriend? The Prentiss Interpol bullshit is still stupid. Ronnie and Jazz talk about that and more.

Oct 12, 2020

That's right, J.J. is going away for about a season, upon which she will make her triumphant return in Season 7. But until then, this is her official goodbye, as she's shunted off to the Pentagon to liaison with the DoD/hunt Osama bin Laden. There's also a case about a missing girl and a pair of boys who might've had something to do with it. But that's an afterthought compared to the real important work: passive-aggressively bitching at CBS for firing A.J. Cook.

Oct 5, 2020

It's back to the Criminal Minds salt mines with "The Internet is Forever", a Season 5 screed about the dangers of the Internet. It's pretty hypocritical to rail against it when the team uses it to solve all their cases. Anyway, there's J.J. botching a press conference, Rossi going mano y mano with another old man and Reid explaining how faces are basically math. It's a fun time for everyone.

Sep 27, 2020

Ronnie and Jazz take a break from Criminal Minds by reviewing the totality of the 13 episode Rachel Nichols starring procedural THE INSIDE! Like Criminal Minds, it's about a team of barely charismatic TV actors hunting down serial killers large (an obese cannibal) and small (a child). Is Rachel Nichols basically playing the same character she would play on Criminal Minds? Why is human toilet Adam Baldwin there? Is Peter Coyote a clever alias for Dick Wolf? These questions are answered, probably, in this week's DELIVER THE PROFILE.

Sep 14, 2020

Because you demanded it! Maybe. Ronnie and Jazz talk about Cats, the horrifying nightmare film that everyone hated last winter. But that's not all! They also discuss Season 6 finale "Supply and Demand", a sex/murder trafficking story so boring Ronnie completely Mandela Effected the ending. Also: the triumphant return of Nicholas Brendon, the ignominious departure of Ashley Seaver and and the return of a certain blonde.

Aug 26, 2020

The descent into Seaver Madness continues with "With Friends Like These...", a delightfully stupid tale about imaginary friends and how they can coerce insomniacs to kill. Seaver becomes an official member of the team finally and Reid continues to suffer from headaches. On the podcast front, the concept of "Jazz Classics" is introduced for your pleasure and edification.

Aug 17, 2020

In "Corazon", which is Spanish for some sort of spaceship, Reid has headaches, the team engages with Afro-Caribbean culture, and Seaver does little more than ask fairly obvious questions. Yep, sounds like a Criminal Minds all right. But this episode of Deliver The Profile is mainly concerned with who the Headless Horseman, what his deal is and what the relationship with Ichabod Crane is, in the TV show, the movie or the Washington Irving story. "You got a guy who sees through his horse? That's interesting. That's interesting writing."

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