Say goodbye to Elle, the brunette we barely knew and didn't really care about. She makes her exit in "The Boogeyman", which is otherwise about a short staffed team pursuing a child murderer. Who could it be? Like all Criminal Minds mysteries, it's not that hard to figure out. This episode features early performances by both Elle Fanning AND the guy who played the Joker on Gotham. Truly, Criminal Minds is a repository of talented children.
Suspect Behavior has finally ended, so Ronnie and Jazz are back to their traditional beat of Criminal Minds Classic. Yet this is a departure of an episode in that the unsub isn't a serial killer at all--he's a RAPIST. Did the boys watch an episode of SVU by mistake? No, unfortunately. "Aftermath" is the beginning of the end for Elle Greenaway, also known as the Original Prentiss. Along the way the hosts discuss George Lucas' genital influences for Star Wars prequel designs and wonder why one of the guest stars looks like Mitch Fucking McConnell. This one ends with a bang. Multiple bangs. And then the police department stupidly clearing someone.
What's this? It's the first EVER Deliver The Profile minisode! What is a minisode? Well, it's when the boys record something that's under an hour. Minisode #1 is their final word on Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior. Ronnie and Jazz go through why the show doesn't work, its shitty characters and rank the episodes from least worst to worst. How could you not like this? It's less content!
Throw away the DVD set and hang up your Forest Whitaker pennant because Suspect Behavior is over - for good! For the season/series finale, Ronnie and Jazz (well, Ronnie) do the unthinkable: listen to the commentary track. What insights do the cast and crew have to offer? What insights do the hosts have? "Death by a Thousand Cuts" is about French Stewart forcing people to kill strangers or else he'll kill their loved ones. Yes, that French Stewart. Meanwhile, Janeane Garofalo gets a job offer in the most obvious foreshadowing ever and UFC's Chuck Liddell shows up long enough to get shot. It finally fucking ends.
While "The Girl in the Blue Mask" is more a riff on Eyes Without A Face, Ronnie and Jazz still spend most of the podcast's run time discussing taxidermy, what makes an acceptable 'subject' and how dermheads are persecuted by normals in our society. Suspect Behavior is almost over, folks, don't worry. This week also commits to some welcome development of Beau Garrett's character...welcome, that is, until we saw what that constituted. Never has a face off procedure involving episode been so tedious.
Still Suspect Behavin', still struggling. "Strays" places Richard Schiff's FBI director front and center when he uses the red cell to track down his goddaughter. This is a lot like Taken, only instead of Liam Neeson it's a half dozen morons and instead of a luxurious villain hangout the sex slavery auction takes place in an abandoned warehouse. Also: is Forest Whitaker Santa Claus?
Blame Jazz. He's the one who wanted the Suspect Behavior episodes off his hard drive, so for the next four weeks Deliver The Profile is putting the finishing touches on the beleaguered Forest Whitaker-centric spinoff. Things don't get off to a good start as "The Time Is Now", despite featuring A Talking Cat!?! star Eric Roberts and Giancarlo Esposito, is the worst episode of Criminal Minds the podcast have ever done. Worse than the autism one, worse than the sinkhole one, worse than any of the other Suspect Behaviors. If you've ever wanted to learn more about FBI Director Richard Schiff, this is the one to watch. But who the fuck cares about the FBI director? Who wants to know about Forest Whitaker's past off the grid? How about Janeane Garofalo's desk or lack thereof? "The Time Is Now" grasps at straws, managing to hold on to none of them. Three more episodes of this. Mercy.
There's a new Ninja Turtles cartoon in town and that means Ronnie and Jazz are going to complain about it! For this April Fool's holiday enjoy a podcast - recorded months ago and unearthed today - about Nickelodeon's latest shitty permutation of Eastman and Laird's cash cow. What differentiates this from the last one? Where's Shredder? Why the hell do the turtles have such strange designs? Can't anybody shut the fuck up for one second? Also: Jazz makes Ronnie jealous with some drawings he received.
You'd think an episode that ends in murder-suicide would be attention grabbing and entertaining. Well, you'd be wrong, as Ronnie and Jazz find out in their examination of Season 8's "Zugzwang". The culmination of the Reid's secret girlfriend subplot, "Zugzwang" manages to combine a mystery and petulance to create something starring the one Nickelodeon star who (probably) didn't get molested. Ronnie and Jazz also discuss Star Trek: The Next Generation and Jazz surprises Ronnie with something you'll have to listen to the entire podcast to find out about.
Oz was such a good show, guys. Criminal Minds isn't, but they try to attach themselves to the prestige of Oz by casting Lee Tergesen as the unsub in "Retaliation", Season 5's effort at changing things up a little. It doesn't work. What does work? Prentiss is in a car crash. Kids have to interact with junkie hobos. That's pretty much it. Never program Deliver The Profile based on "well, Ronnie barely remembers the episode, it must be good show material".
It's "The Fisher King Part 2" and questions are answered, like who is the Fisher King, does Elle survive getting shot, why the hell was the guy sending all that stuff to the team anyway and who does he have locked up in his dungeon basement. But that's not all. Ronnie watched the Season 14 finale and is full of invective towards it which Jazz hears. There's not much desire to actually talk about "The Fisher King Part 2" so a lot of tangents occur like pretty much always. It may not seem like a 'banger', but this is by Criminal Minds standards.
Yes, this episode is fashionably late. That's because Ronnie's laptop died, he got it back, and then it promptly died again after a few days. But don't let that get you down, because we've got a good one for you. It covers the Criminal Minds 1st season finale, "The Fisher King: Part 1"! Who is the Fisher King? What is his obsession with old timeyness? More importantly, what does Criminal Minds going on vacation look like? All these questions and more will probably be answered as Deliver The Profile makes good on its commitment to cover shows of consequence and not just random detritus from Season 12.
It's Jazz's birthday! Well, it was, when we were recording this. As such, the top of the episode contains a review of the hosts' field trip to see M. Night Shyamalan's Glass. It sucked and yet was infinitely better than the podcast's first foray into Season 12, a season so bad it made people miss Thomas Gibson. "Surface Tension" is about a burn victim who loves sinkholes as well as Reid's wacky attempts to live with his crazy mom (a slumming Jane Lynch). Ronnie and Jazz struggle through it, introduce a new profiler to the mix and even and propose a Criminal Minds spinoff: Young Reid.
We travel back to Season 1 of Criminal Minds with "Blood Hungry"! Just because Ronnie and Jazz are both fighting coughs doesn't mean they cannot talk to you about Doug Jones, Mandy Patinkin treating Garcia like shit, small towns and how to interrogate crazy people. Also, remember to call your kids, okay? It's important.
Criminal Minds is DEAD. D-E-A-D! After next season's shortened Season 15 it will be banished to the land of wind and ghosts. Fittingly, Ronnie and Jazz break from format of "talk about a specific episode" to cover everything related to this bombshell, such as what prompted the final renewal, what we can expect from the last 13 or so hours of Criminal Minds, and what the future of the podcast is. We won't dick you around: the podcast is going to be around for a long, long time.
2019 is off to a great start, by which we mean a start, with "House on Fire", an episode that at least changes up the pace some. Instead of killing by knife or gun or increasingly improbable specialized Rube Goldberg device, the unsub starts fires, seals exits and has people burn to death. This one has it all: The Blob (the Steve McQueen one), Michael Rooker, incest, Garcia learning an important lesson, the hosts discussing when would be an opportune time in the episode for half the cast to be killed off in the episode. Also, Ronnie had a LOT of fun editing out all of his coughing from the podcast. Here's hoping their 2019 predictions came true!