[yawn] Sorry, but if you saw "See No Evil", the third episode of Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior, you'd understand. In a much shorter episode than usual, Ronnie and Jazz try to talk about anything other than the episode. They discuss the latest casting news for Criminal Minds Season 12, how to ruin David Caruso's life and Jazz finds out whose sister Justine Bateman is after all.
In the inaugural episode of the whenever-they-feel-like-it spinoff podcast to Deliver The Profile, Talkin' 'Bout Turtles, Ronnie and Jazz are reeling from the experience of spending money to see TMNT 2: Out of the Shadows. Why the fuck is the Falcon a thing? Does Michelangelo really need to be of sub-normal intelligence? Is this for kids or is this for people who grew up during the first Turtlemania? The hosts answer all this and more in what is certainly the longest podcast ever recorded about this movie. It's longer THAN the movie!
Jazz is back after a lengthy contractual dispute and it's business as usual as Deliver The Profile tackles the prank phone call episode "The Caller"! This unsub abducts children and then harasses you on the phone about it, which proves our point: don't have children and you'll be fine. What's up with the kid in the Chewbacca mask? Who would ever choose the alias Burt Solomon? Most importantly, who or what is The Meat Pimp? If you don't know, you'll find out as much as you possibly fucking can about what will be Showtime's latest hit. Move over, Billions!
Jazz is dead or fired or something like that, but it's time to move on, not mourn. It's either what he would have or would not have wanted, and those are some good odds. That's why Ronnie welcomes guest host Rhymes with Nerdy grand poobah Beth Auron (author of Longbourn's Songbird) into the mix. As a Criminal Minds neophyte she has a lot of uncanny yet accurate observations, like how J.J. is overly virginal and that the New Orleans of "Jones" doesn't represent New Orleans any more than the movie Stay Alive or the illustrations on Popeye's Chicken buckets does. In a world of terrible accents the two try to determine what the point of this episode is and, not shockingly, they come up empty. The fact that, quality-wise, it's definitely in the top ten episodes of Crim DTP has covered only intensifies the feelings of disgust and alienation. And don't worry, the feminine touch hasn't decreased the amount of rape jokes, not one bit. Grab yourself an indigent young male (Poorboy) and dig in!
It's the 25th episode, and Ronnie and Jazz are waxing nostalgic with the first ep of Crim Ronnie ever saw, Season 4's "Cold Comfort"! Why does Rossi hate psychics so much? Was setting this in Olympia a deliberate effort to prevent Frasier jokes? How big is the Olympia necrophile underground? And how doesn't someone slap the shit out of Reid for pointlessly mentioning that Earth is 2/3rds water? In addition, the boys get their horoscopes done and talk about their favorite and least favorite Criminal Minds they've thus far covered. We'd like to thank all listeners for spending time with our dumb voices and even dumber opinions.
Ronnie and Jazz finally have something to talk about in Season 3's "About Face", the episode of Criminal Minds that introduces Joe Mantegna into the mix! The boys discuss what makes him a different animal from Mandy Patinkin and comb through his filmography to determine why he might have chosen the relaxing 9 to 5 of procedural pabulum. The unsub this time strategically places "have you seen me?" fliers of women before he abducts them, but it seems more appropriate for those to be of the actor playing the unsub, considering he never acted in anything after this. Of course, it wouldn't be Deliver The Profile without talk of Donald Trump dildos, robots, babies, Power Rangers, why Texas sucks and, most importantly, the revelation of who exactly Jazz is. DOWN!
You know it's a rough episode of Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior when the boys are unfavorably comparing it to The Following! "Lonely Heart" takes us to Ohio, California, wherein a serial killer is getting someone to murder for him from behind bars and that someone is a SHEsomeone. That's all there is to it, so don't be surprised about the free-ranging discussion of topics as diverse as Red Shoe Diaries being a pyramid scheme and Jeff Goldblum being the only way for Ronnie to go to a hotel room with a complete stranger. It turns out buying the series DVD doesn't make it better, but why would it?
We don't want to spoil the surprise in this episode, so all we'll say is that Criminal Minds goes to Alaska, which looks a lot like California, and Garcia is more annoying than usual in "Exit Wounds". Those who are filling out their Criminal Minds episode maps, remember that they've not gone to Hawaii, nor have they met those Hawaii Five-O guys that still have a fucking TV show. There's some comics talk, some God talk, cuckolding, the usual.
It's Deliver The Profile's customary Halloween episode, recorded and aired in April as usual! "The Good Earth" has a woman using men as fertilizer, which sounds like an EC Comics story that no one remembers for good reason. It's forgettable enough that this is a more unwieldy episode than usual. Granted, these descriptions say that about every other episode of the podcast, but never before have Ronnie and Jazz discussed vaccinations, hypothetical rape, marijuana, the movie Dream House or mouthwash in such vivid, stupid detail. But Inspector Rex they've talked about, and so they do again.
It's April, the weather's improving and Ronnie and Jazz are still stuck doing a podcast! In “Breath of the Dragon” the team has to contend with an unsub whose proclivities include arson and martial arts and that is not at all racist, no sir. Will they be able to save Chinatown or will the 'The Dragon' (yes he's actually called that, multiple times even) reign supreme? During this, we've got surprise birthday parties, rebellious children and even some ladies of the evening!
Ronnie and Jazz struggle through the worst episode yet, "Beyond Borders", which exists solely to provide a basis for Criminal Minds: Beyond Borders! Why do the writers know as much about Barbados as this show's hosts do? Why did Anna Gunn ever think this was a good idea? Do the Criminal Minds crew HAVE to suck off their international counterparts so much? It's a real rough one, folks, the most xenophobic thing since the last Trump rally.
Ronnie and Jazz are both sick, both sober and both having had it up to here with Criminal Minds! In Season 8's "God Complex", Ray Wise switches people's legs in order to discover the scientific breakthrough that will give his wife another leg. He's like Mr. Freeze with less realistic science. Despite their reverence for the second best Clarence Boddicker henchman, this is a pretty poor episode that results in the two discussing alternate timelines created by the Mandela Effect and accidentally writing ABC's newest hit sitcom.
Warning: podcast contains historical smoking.
What's the best way to celebrate a birthday? Why, record a podcast, of course! Ronnie and Jazz cover "A Real Rain", a Season 1 episode set but definitely not shot in New York City. There, a vigilante is offing people who got away with crimes. Is he Green Arrow? Is he Dexter? No, he's just one of those aliens from Star Trek: Voyager nobody likes. But that's not important. What's important is Ronnie got to 28, meaning his hopes of joining the 27 Club are forever dashed.
It's the most tangent heavy episode yet as Ronnie and Jazz delve into the first episode ("Two of a Kind") of the terminated with extreme prejudice Criminal Minds spinoff, Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior! What makes this different from the original? Why is Janeane Garofalo on a regressive procedural? How the hell does an ex-con become an FBI agent? Is Richard Schiff a valid gender identity? It's a goofy 80 some minutes of podcast, beginning with Jazz forgetting his own name.
The team grapples with the most wily foe of all: the backdoor pilot, with Season 5's "The Fight"! Why is Forest Whitaker so much better than everyone else? Does Constantine ever shut the fuck up about his sniper skills? Are Oakland's millionaires San Francisco's bums? All these questions and more are answered by Ronnie and an increasingly inebriated Jazz in this episode of Deliver The Profile.
What happens when Ronnie's laptop stops working? Deliver The Profile goes on an unintentional hiatus. But now Ronnie and Jazz are back and Ronnie's laptop is quiet as a church mouse. In their sights today is Season 3's "Limelight", which involves an electrician and bondage magazines as well as a guest appearance by a cast member of Rescue Me. But in all honesty, this episode is mostly tangents, from discussions about an insane Wisconsin state representative to Ronnie giving his reasons for why he hates Big Bad Beetleborgs.
Also: A heartfelt tribute to David Bowie.
It's 2016 but Ronnie and Jazz are still reviewing the same old shit with Season 2's "Legacy"! Witness Jason Gideon shove Charlie Chaplin down our throats and then witness the barren wasteland that is Kansas City as the BAU tries to solve what happened to the homeless of KC. Clearly they were put on a bus and sent somewhere to make the city look better for the World Series. Wait, the Royals were still shitty when this episode was made. Anyway, the boys talk about Hotch's love of dressing down black men, whether or not the unsub is governor Scott Walker and reveal why Thomas Hempe is not raped in prison.