Ronnie and Jazz take a break from Reid in Prison to do a random Season 8 episode that isn't very good. Someone is abducting nannies, raping and burning them with cigarettes. There's a survivor but she won't help the BAU, so it's up to them to badger her into cooperating. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen. "Nanny Dearest" may not be great, but at least it doesn't have Reid getting pounded in the ass or whatever he'd be doing in prison this week.
Criminal Minds takes on the incel epidemic with "Alpha Male". Someone is tossing acid in the faces of pretty people and it's up to CBS' pretty people to stop it. Meanwhile, Reid is still in jail and finds a new friend in Oz's Augustus Hill, because Reid is the most credulous motherfucker on the planet. Yep, it's garbage all the way down. At least Reid only has...seven more episodes?! Jesus.
Deliver The Profile's 2 month hiatus has ended...with a movie episode? Yes, Ronnie and Jazz are back to the movies, and what better choice than what amounts to a 93 minute Criminal Minds episode with slightly more gore? This of course refers to Spiral: From The Book of Saw, which contains no book of Saw nor much of anything else! Why is this a Saw movie? Why bring the director of Saw II-IV if you're going to make a clean break in the franchise? At least the movie follows in the grand tradition of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Wild Wild West by having a rap song about it. Join the boys as they dissect what may be one of the worst Saw movies. Even if it's not, they're all terrible, so...
It's a brand new story arc and that means for the first time there's a NEW THEME! Yes, Deliver The Profile is finally covering the interminable Reid in Prison arc. How many rape jokes will there be? Too many. As for the episode itself, it's about a guy who controls cars to hit people. Hence the title "Collision Course". This episode could've also gone by the title "Maximum Overdrive", because it's a piece of crap made by people too fucked up on drugs to know any better.
"Route 66"! This week's Criminal Minds is a bifurcated affair, with the team taking on a spree killer who's kidnapped his daughter (or has he?) while Aaron Hotchner fights for his life in a fantasy movie theatre populated by his dead wife and his greatest enemy. Get out your goldenrod pages, it's coma fantasy time!
"Pariahville" is about a murder in a community of people on the sex offender registry. Did one of the pervs do it or was it somebody else? Meanwhile, Lewis, that's Aisha Tyler's character, is made an offer she can or cannot refuse. It's a pretty stupid episode, but aren't they all? Ronnie and Jazz argue over what a "dude ranch" is in your week's Deliver The Profile.
Finally DTP returns to regular programming with a regular episode of Criminal Minds "starring" the antagonist from Shadow Wolves as the unsub. In "Blue Angel", someone is taking men and castrating them. What does this have to do with Simmons' attempts to get laid? Not much.
Ronnie and Jazz face the horrifying, inevitable reality that is the possible Criminal Minds reboot. This news ruined a cheeseburger, people.
Ronnie and Jazz convene an emergency session of the podcast to discuss the important Nicholas Brendon news.
Here it is. The Christmas show...in February. Don't worry, though, it is worth the wait. Shadow Wolves is the brainchild of an Islamophobic loser and the greatest film Steven Seagal never starred in. The Shadow Wolves consist of Native American trackers who seek to stop an Iranian from crossing the Mexican bomber to blow up a casino. Thomas Gibson plays the surly mustachioed chief. It's fucking incredible, honestly.
Also, Ronnie decides his name is "Mr. Sunshine" and creates the followup to QAnon, "R". Find the hottest conspiracy of 2021 here and only here on Deliver The Profile!
The boys are back to discuss Korean Criminal Minds episode 4, a pivotal part of the Northwestern serial murder case saga.
Ronnie and Jazz discuss "The Slave of Duty", aka the funeral episode of Criminal Minds. The cast says goodbye to Haley and pretends there's a chance Hotch will quit the team. It takes a good kicking for that to happen as history has proven. The boys discuss Ronnie's Hung Season 1 blu-ray and also devise alternate ways for Haley to be off the show without killing her.
Here we are, folks: the 100th episode. No, not of the podcast, silly. Don't you know how to read the ID3 tags? This week we're doing the 100th Criminal Minds, a landmark episode that asks the question: how much is a wife worth anyway? Not a whole lot more than some man pain and a beaten to death corpse, apparently. The Crim producers rolled out the red carpet as all your favorites are back: Tiny Detective. Nicholas Brendon. C. Thomas Howell (not in blackface, thank god). Even Anderson and Gina make appearances. Don't worry if you don't remember who those people are; they don't matter. What matters is this is the final confrontation between the team and the Boston Reaper.
The Reaper Saga is at its halfway point as we greet the return of The Fox, last seen in Season 1's "The Fox". "Outfoxed" is about our foxxy foe having an admirer whom the BAU must apprehend. Of course the podcast is barely about that, and is mainly about wrestling and Goofy's child rearing skills (or lack thereof). Be lucky you can listen to this episode, true believers: this one was almost lost to a catastrophic hardware failure! It's a miracle episode.
It's all about Boston in the Deliver The Profile covering "Omnivore", possibly the best episode of Criminal Minds. Wahlberg jokes, jokes about Boston's love of bigotry and Jameson abound.
Well, it finally happened: another show on the Korean version of Criminal Minds. Ronnie and Jazz poorly pronounce all sorts of names in Episode 3 of the 20 episode season, the Korean take on the Reaper saga. You'll notice the hosts have yet to cover the AMERICAN Reaper saga. Oops.
In "The Itch", a crazy guy thinks bugs are crawling under his skin. Cool, he's done drugs. This is the basis of an ENTIRE EPISODE of Criminal Minds, a Season 10 misfire that punches down on the fake disease afflicted. Ronnie explains members of the New Warriors to Jazz, they debate the existence of "silver foxes" and more fun stuff. Hey, it's the 175th episode of the podcast! What an accomplishment.
Because Ronnie is lazy, it's another Season 10 episode! This one, "X", is the premiere, and so we are introduced to Jennifer Love Hewitt of Ghost Whisperer fame. Will she distinguish herself from her colleagues or just be absorbed into the blob of bad dialogue and stiff characterization? I think you know the answer already.
"Scream"! Everybody "Scream"! That's the episode the podcast is covering today, and it's...[sigh]... about a guy who is trying to record the perfect scream. That's not all: Jennifer Love Hewitt's daughter/niece is meeting boys online, but more importantly JLH's husband is played by GREG GRUNBERG. Greg Grunberg? Greg Grunberg. Okay, sure, whatever.
The election may be over (or is it?), but Deliver The Profile's work has just begun. (In fact, there's probably enough CM episodes left over for four more years of podcasting.) This week's episode takes on "Rock Creek Park", a political-ish episode about a congressman's wife's kidnapping. Throughout the endeavor we learn more of Reid's skills, see him maybe sex a woman (well, he doesn't, but what if he did?), and watch Criminal Minds try to ape The Manchurian Candidate poorly. It's hunks, disfigured brothers and crazy interns all the way down.
In this episode, Ronnie and Jazz discuss Season 5's "The Uncanny Valley", one about a woman turning women into living dolls. But mainly it's an excuse to talk about Star Wars' own Jonathan Frakes, who makes an appearance in the show. And what an appearance it is! Beam me up, Scotty, am I right? The hosts try to answer the question you're all wondering: is "The Uncanny Valley" a good hour of television or is that just something our writers made up? The answer is...beyond belief.
Wedding season comes to Criminal Minds and the participants are who you least expect! Actually, that's a lie. But there's a lot of other things happening in this episode, "Run", such as Prentiss' departure, J.J. being a viking ninja cowboy over the fate of her son, a secret unsub, and more wealth porn courtesy of David Rossi. This ends Season 7--hope you survived the experience!
It's time to see Prentiss depart for the second time as Deliver The Profile covers the first part of the Season 7 finale, "Hit". Why pattern the robbers after the fucking Royal Flush Gang? Are we supposed to care about the fate of J.J.'s boyfriend? The Prentiss Interpol bullshit is still stupid. Ronnie and Jazz talk about that and more.
That's right, J.J. is going away for about a season, upon which she will make her triumphant return in Season 7. But until then, this is her official goodbye, as she's shunted off to the Pentagon to liaison with the DoD/hunt Osama bin Laden. There's also a case about a missing girl and a pair of boys who might've had something to do with it. But that's an afterthought compared to the real important work: passive-aggressively bitching at CBS for firing A.J. Cook.
It's back to the Criminal Minds salt mines with "The Internet is Forever", a Season 5 screed about the dangers of the Internet. It's pretty hypocritical to rail against it when the team uses it to solve all their cases. Anyway, there's J.J. botching a press conference, Rossi going mano y mano with another old man and Reid explaining how faces are basically math. It's a fun time for everyone.